From a Place of Love

I am not a doctor – any views expressed here I have researched to the best of my ability but may not reflect your doctors advice or be the right thing for you

My story probably isn’t unfamiliar, I think a lot of people suffer from the idea that because they aren’t skinny they aren’t good enough, and these issues are insidious. A 2011 study said 40-60% of elementary school girls already had body image issues. My body image issues began when I hit puberty, my body changed and I was not happy with it.

By the time I was in University, my quest for a “perfect” body had turned into a cycle of binging and calorie restriction. There were times on this quest when I was nearly happy with my body, I was stronger and faster and fitter and it wasn’t enough. I tried everything under the sun to lose that last imperfect bit of fat, that last imperfect bit of me and in doing so I wrecked havoc on my body and my self confidence.

This year I decided to embark on a wellness journey unlike any I have before, focusing not on weight but on health and unlike before I’m approaching it differently. I’m finally taking my trainer’s words to heart – this can not come from a place of shame, instead, it comes from a place of love.

This is love – love for myself, love for my body – not a punishment for not being perfect. I hope to inspire you to feel the same way about your journey, whatever it may be. I still struggle, the shame is still there sometimes and I still have days I consider a binge, but I am working on it and I hope talking about it openly helps you to recognize the negative self-talk and maybe even some triggers.

Isolation has been particularly hard, while exercise is still possible I find my eating has felt… well off. I know for me, sitting at a desk mid-afternoon is a trigger for snacking, because that’s what I used to do when I was in University. Boredom triggers a similar response, a desire for something, anything to do leads me to the kitchen in search of unhealthy snacks. My wanting, not my hunger is triggered and I often feel guilty for not being able to resist that wanting.

It’s a hard distinction to make, wanting disguises itself as hunger to give our body more calories because we’re still not past that evolutionary trigger from way-back-when that says we need to be heavier in case of famine. Recognizing your triggers and your permission thoughts i.e I’ve been eating healthy so who cares if I eat a whole baguette, is crucial to developing a healthier mindset around eating and creating a healthier diet.

I’ll be honest, it’s taken roughly two weeks for me to recognize these triggers and thoughts, or more accurately to admit that they have been happening. Actually admitting it to myself has been far harder than recognizing a pattern I know all too well. So instead of being down on myself – experiencing guilt and shame and then more eating to try and erase how bad I feel – I am being proactive in my approach.

There are two ways I’m doing this, meal prepping and changing my schedule. I always find meal prepping helpful, it keeps me from having to do so much throughout the week in terms of cooking but here I’m using it to replace my usual snacks. My hope is that the availability of healthier snack alternatives that I love (roasted chickpeas, eggplants, root vegetables and apples) will encourage me to snack better if that wanting does arise. I might not always be able to avoid triggers or resist eating, but I can always feel good about the foods I do choose to eat.

Changing my schedule helps by breaking the scenarios in which I am triggered. While my family jokes I am always thinking about food – some situations trigger wanting more. So I change the situation, if I’m out running I can’t be thinking about food, I’m focused on breathing and the feel of concrete beneath my feet and hey – exercise is my happy place now.

These actions are helping me through this difficult period, they might help you too – but it’s not always possible to do it alone. Loving myself this way – what I thought I had been doing when I punished my body for not being perfect – took a long time and professional help. If you are struggling with an eating disorder I encourage you to reach out to someone. There is no shame in needing help, and there are a ton of great resources available including the National Eating Disorder Information Centre in Canada who has a toll free number available through their website.